Heartbreak in the Joy

I am heartbroken.  Every year I fly off somewhere and enjoy almost a week with my MOPS sisters - working, learning, playing, and worshipping at our convention.  It truly is an amazing week and reminds me why I am still a part of MOPS.  But every time I return home, I wonder if I should ever leave.

My son has Asperger's Syndrome, an Autism Spectrum Disorder, and Tourette's.  He does not handle big changes well, and my absence is huge to my children.  After all, as a homeschooling mom I am constantly with my children unless I have a Mom's Night Out, a weekend retreat, church, or a MOPS event.  When I return from an event like MOMCon I learn that my son has been wetting the bed, has been stemming, has not been able to focus, and his tics have gone into hyperdrive.  I cry every time I return home after being away for more than a few hours.

This year I thought I would be proactive about MOMCon.  I started preparing my children early this week for my departure.  I thought by slowly preparing them this would alleviate some of my son's apprehension about me being gone.  I was wrong.  We've had three nights of bed-wetting, three days of tics getting in the way of his normal activities, two days of stemming and not focusing.  I do not know how I will bear to leave this precious child next week seeing what my leaving does to him.

I will miss all three of my children, and they will miss me, but my son is the only one with physical manifestations of his feelings - and he cannot help it.  He doesn't even understand why these physical afflictions are apparent - he wants these things to stop, and doesn't know how to make them stop.

My middle child does not want me to leave.  She will physically try to stop me from leaving, which is why I will leave while she is at a homeschool co-op class.  She will cry, but she will look forward to talking to me over the phone and Skype.  She also looks forward to spending a week with her Dad while he is off work.  The youngest child, however, tells me "It's okay, mom.  I will be okay for six days without you."  She is looking forward to spending more time with her playground - her Daddy.  Precious girl.

But God Himself has called me on this MOPS journey, and I will follow Him.  He will take care of my precious children... because He loves them even more than I do.  Being away from my family is hard, but being outside of God's will is even harder.  My main ministry is my home, my children.  But MOPS is my secondary ministry that I have been called into, and it is my duty to serve where I have been called.

To other moms wondering if you are doing the right thing by going to MOMCon, Women of Faith, or any other women's retreat - you need to do it.  You need time away from your family.  Time to focus on your relationship with your Father and Savior.  Time to learn about different topics that pertain to your life.  Time to focus on yourself and relaxing so you can continue to give and be a better wife and moms.  Time to have fun with other women.  Time to serve and minister - because ultimately we are here to do His service.

And when you return home, you may shed a few tears, but after that you will realize that through this time you have become a better woman, a better wife, a better mom... and hopefully closer to God and more in tune with your ministry.  And one day we will look back and see that by leaving our children for short periods of time while they were young we were also preparing them to be independent and to be able to adjust to changes during their adult life.