Choosing the Right Mirror

I am not the same person I once was.  I have grown maturely, emotionally, spiritually, and yes, physically. 

But I have a secret.  For ten years I have despised my body. 

The people who knew me in high school and during my college years knew a pencil-thin girl, one who could eat a super-sized Big Mac meal and ask what was for dessert - and never gain an ounce.  I am 5'10" and during those teen and young adult years my weight fluctuated between 115 and 125 pounds.  I remember one school teacher pulling me aside because he was concerned that I was anorexic (I had gotten to 100 pounds at that point).  I assured him I ate more than my fair share - my weight simply never showed it.  

I was not super skinny - not like the models who in real life are so emaciated it pains me to look at them.  I was underweight, but healthy, even though my doctors wanted me to gain ten pounds.  They just didn't pack on.  

I did have a brief period of time where got up to a size 14  (looking back, I was probably suffering from mild depression), but once my then boyfriend and I broke up I quickly lost that weight.  And it really did not bother me that I had gained and lost, because I had finally gone from barely an A to a solid C - you girls know what I mean - and I was glad that I did not lose any of that C size when I lost weight.

My wedding dress, at age 27, was a size 6.  I wore sizes 8 and 10 for most of my young adult life. 

My 'frienemies' from high school probably sit back and laugh when they see my Facebook pictures now.  I am much, much more than 120 pounds.  Some days I think I look more like a cow than a mom, and the countryside background out here just seems to accentuate that look.  

I had gotten to a size 12 in the first few years of marriage, but I still was not overweight.  I was actually finally to the point where the doctors wanted my weight to be.  

My issue began after I started having children.  I weighed 130 pounds when I got pregnant and got up to 185 by the ninth month.  I lost all my baby weight after my son was born, but my body did not shift back to normal before, when my son was 10 months old, I was once again expecting.  

After my daughter was born, I was bloated.  I look back at the pictures of the first few months of her life and wonder how I did not know how swollen my face was.  But I was slowly losing the baby weight once again, and when my daughter was 6 months old I was once again expecting.  

By the end of my final pregnancy, I was a whopping 195 pounds.  However, when my youngest was born, I did not lose much of the baby weight at all.  Everyone said when you are breastfeeding and chasing after toddlers you lose all that baby weight.  Everyone was wrong.

Eventually doctors began telling me to lose weight because my weight kept creeping up higher on the scale.  I finally got to my highest weight two years ago at 220 pounds.  In addition to the weight, I then started bloating a lot with chronic illness, so that my wardrobe consisted of various sizes depending on how swollen I was.  I had everything from 18W to 22W and I could wear each one throughout the course of one day.  Some days I'd just opt for 1X maternity outfit to handle the daily fluctuations.  Those of you who have read my previous posts will understand more about the medical conditions that contributed to that.

After my diagnosis last January, I very quickly lost some weight.  I do not get on the scales very often now, but I know that I have been under 200 pounds for eight months.  It has been months since I have gotten on a scale, but I know I am not gaining because I now wear a size 16 - without the 'W' at the end - and some of my size 16 jeans are just a little loose.  I wear medium and large shirts, depending on the fit (once again, one area of my body improved with the weight gain and decided they wanted to hang on to the extra fat).  But I still have a tummy that could be mistaken for a baby bump in the wrong clothing.  

What am I doing differently?  Nothing, other than being treated for my medical conditions.

But what have I learned from this experience?  For ten years I have despised my body.  And it did not help that well-meaning relatives would comment on my weight and make remarks anytime they saw me eat something not healthy.  My self-esteem was plummeting.  I could not see myself as I truly was because all I saw in the mirror and in pictures was the cow… but in my mind's eye I was still 135 pounds.  

Then an 'aha' moment came.  My rheumatologist told me while it is great to try to lose more weight, don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.  I have medical issues against me that want to add on weight, and I need to learn to be happy with who I am, not how I look.


You see, I was focused on my physical body.  In His wisdom and nonconventional way, God took a non-Christian avenue to help show me who I am.  He used a doctor's voice to reel me in and help me start focusing on what was within.  

While I always knew it, I finally got to the point where I accepted that God did not see me as a 120 pound girl or a 220 pound lady.  He saw me as His beautiful daughter - the one for whom He'd give His own life.  He sees me as His royal princess.  He sees me as a strong, courageous leader even when I feel meek and small and the lowest of followers.  I am redeemed, I am whole, I am perfected in His eyes.  

When I allowed myself to not focus on the mirror in my bathroom, God turned His mirror towards me to let me see who I am to Him.  I am more than this shell that holds my spirit.  I am so much more.  

And so are you!   In which mirror are you looking?  See yourself how God sees you, not how your bathroom mirror reflects you.